Unconditional Love...someday...maybe...

The best thing about being in a relationship is to feel loved and needed and importantly, being complete. There's purpose in life. If you ever notice, people who isn't in a relationship most of the time they made themselves busy with their hobby or work. If, not, they'll be staying all alone. Do you want to come back to an empty place? Having a pet is just another substitute. Love is important to everyone. It keeps you alive. When you don't have that love inside of you, you're a robot.

Love can be a disaster too. Depends on how you show the love. Don't be obsessed or possessive. That's not love. Jealous? it's good to feel it but just don't let it control you.

Nowadays, I've observed my loved ones relationships, including mine. Our generation do not understand the meaning of real love. What is real love?

For me, I've observed my parents unconditionally love. They love each other no matter what their flaws are like. They stick through ups and downs. For better and worse, til death do them part. That's true love. They commit with each there irregardlessly how bad either one's condition and characteristic

For example, my mother is one of the most patience lady I've came to know. How she deal with my hot tempered father til the end of his last breath. They managed to celebrated their 25th anniversary before he passed away on October 16th...right after me and my mother went home after a long wait seeing father lying on the hospital bed.

During the past few weeks before my dad critically comma, he has admitted what he has done wrong to her and to tell her, she's the best mother to his kids and a sincere wife that he has married to. To be patient with him, to take care of him day and night while he was sick, to bath him when he can't walk (seriously sick about for a month), to give birth to me. Even when there were other women came by an offered to be his another wife, he truly declined. He doesn't want to make those mistakes as he did in the past. He also reminded my mom not to remarried as in our religious, the last wife will be the fairy that'll accompany him on the other side.

My mother is a very strong woman. I only see her shed tears once, at my dad's grave during first day of raya. All she said, he's happier there. When I asked her, don't you ever miss him? All she answered, "I pray for him everyday.." and that's enough.

I'd like to have that love. The love that my parents had. Someday..

motherly egOis

Someday i'm thinking... I can’t either.

As i look at my sister, someday, the crushing weight of my being a mother sits on me like sleep paralysis, waiting for me to move, almost daring me to. It wags it’s finger in my face, telling me I’m a bad mother, an ungrateful mother, because I cannot keep up with my own children sometimes, because I pretend when my husband and I are out alone that we ARE alone, that no one waits for us at home, ready to cover us in wet kisses and sticky fingers.

It’s the responsibility that gets to me-the knowledge that forever, I am connected to these creatures-I can never leave them, not truly. They will always be a part of me. Their toes will forever be the toes that kicked me in the ribs.

But somedays it’s the drudgery, it’s getting up and feeding them, convincing clothes onto them, sitting with them, then working all day, arriving home in time to listen to them scream about not wanting to go to bed. Those days get to me. Those days test me, because they test my love for them, they test the bounds of my patience and temper. On those days, the bad mommy sometimes gets to come out and play for a bit.

I have been tempted in the past, to throw up my hands, and walk away from it. From all of it. Times when it’s gotten so hard, too hard, worse than I ever imagined, I wanted to walk down the road, climb up onto the highway, and begone. Never to be seen again. I thought it, many times.

But in my eyes, in my heart, I couldn’t do it, I never would. I could never walk out that door and not come back. Because being a mother isnot just a test-it’s a battle. Sometimes it’s lovely and gentle, other days, it’s bloody and loud and frightful. Somedays I don’t like it at all.

But somedays are so fragile and simple, I want to place them under glass so they never disappear. I draw on those days, to get me through the wrong ones.

I can say my sister is a good example. She just scolded me just to protect her lil ones. Even though, the course of wrong doing its absolutely from her lil princess where everyone seems to put much love to her...even myself did. But look at the bigger picture, children wouldn't learn something if her/his mom keep on say yes to everything and blame others for her child fault.

It is hard for to be in my sister shoes right now. She is a good daughter, a great sister and the only example for me to adapt into a women's world as she is my only sister but...for me she's not yet close to a perfect mother. She being too protective over her daughter that sometimes tend to ignore people feelings. I mean..for God sake, look at the bright side my dear sister...its ok to let your children falls at once for them to know how to climb and reach for what they want. Falling is the step to make us a strong person. Its is good if we expose our kids with this kind of education/experience cos they will be such a fast learner in the days to come.

Sister, you are totally different from me even though we came from a same mother and father. Let yourself loose a lil bit and surely everything will be just fine. I know, everybody will go through faces in life...its a matter of how we go through it and how we cherish every moment. And for real, i couldn't even wait for my time to become like what you have rite now......a family with husband and children of your own.....

my alter ego speak..

I’m taking a little step back. Fucking look at myself. I”m a human. I’m strong. I’m so strong to survive and can be anything. I can be everything. I do not hate every guys because of a lousy guy broke my fragile heart, or cos a best friend betrayed me, my parents compare me with my other siblings, the bitch down the street called me liar, ugly, stupid, kiss ass, worthless. I do not concern myself with things i cannot control. Cry when I need to then let go when its time. I don’t hang onto painful memories just cos im afraid to forget and definitely will let go easily of things that are in the past and forget things that aren’t worth remembering. I will stop taking things for granted and start live for something better. Live for myself...each day praying to Almighty God to create and give a room to my lil heart to fall in love back again like i did before. Clear my mind not to fall out of love and keep on believes in it until I realise the beauty of loving someone.

Create, imagine,inspire,share something wonderful each day just to make someone’s day and at the end of it I might get develop a lil happiness in myself. So, I would live my life to its full potential~ Just live, dammit! I will let go of all of the horrible things in my life and fucking live. And one day, when I’m old accompany by my lovely cat, looking back to all the years i went through..i will never ever feel regrets.

Future Me....

Dear Future Me,

I hope you are doing well in tour amazing world now. I wonder what you are going through at this point on time in your life, but i'm pretty sure the life we're currently living is all that you dreamt and imagine it to be.

Have you saved enough to get ya own place?Did you finally bring your family to a wonderful holiday that you been dreaming of before you get married? Do you now run ya own business together with your husband and have a nice room of ya own with a pretty window view? Have you FINALLY settle down with the man of your dreams? or probably you are happily married with cute twins to your current boyfriend. How the twins look like? just as cute as you are or so good looking like your husband? Dreams and aspirations aside. I honestly hope you have moved far from where we are now. But I do know that i want to remind you of some things you may forgotten...

- remember getting your heart broken by your first ever love, thinking you'll never recover? remember the many milestones you went on to achieve just so that you can prove you'll bounce back much better than before?

- remember the exhilaration and liberation of getting your 1st car with the help of Mama for down payment and then you gotta work hard to pay the car monthly with your own money?

- Remember the fear and anxiety when you decided to leave your 1st job and your amazing team mates?

- well i dont know if we have a family now with amazingly cute babies or if you are enjoying the single life after all you been through, the hurts,the fun and the tears.

I do know that no matter where you are now, you would have remained true to yourself. I hope and always forget you'll never forget who you are and the values you hold that make you who you are today.

Mostly I really hope you will keep on laughing uninhibitedly, give unsparingly and love unconditionally as i believes that you are a sweet happy-go-lucky girl.

p/s: current bf send regards to you...hope when you look to ya right where you can see ya husband at his fav sofa reading newspaper, it is still the same guy we use to know and love..... :)

Your Younger-you,

Linda Roos

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