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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Confusion

I hate to say that i'm crying all alone in my room....

its been quite awhile i didn't cry like a lil kid...

my tears will come out when something/someone touched about family....

my world is my family....

how difficult my life would be without my family around..Gosh! i couldn't imagine it...

Somehow i feel like i'm too dependable on them..till my mom started to talked to me...

She looks really worried...who's gonna look after me if she's not around anymore...

Who's gonna take care of me? knowing that i'm lil bit hard to handle in some ways....

would someone make me happy as i am now...

And i started to cry....... i ran to my room...and tonite i'll be sleeping with tears pouring down...

Mama, sorry if i put u in such a hard time...

I realized now, i've to stand on my two feet and deal we everything as an individual...

Sorry for not introduce u to my last special boyfriend..u know him after i declared 'i'm no longer with him no more'...

I know how much u love to see me happy being with him...but the truth is.. i faked it..

Pretend everything is cool between us but actually it wasn't...

If mama would possibly understand what i'm going through, for sure i can see tears on ya sweet face...

But...i just dont like to see u cry nor to make u cry especially about me...

Trust me mama...i know how to lead my way..InsyAllah.... :(

Sunday, August 15, 2010

my secret love note...

It is very important for me to express to you how much you really mean to me. I wish I could do this in person while holding you in my arms and gazing into your eyes. But since we are physically separated by miles of emptiness and the feeling still hanging somewhere in the airs, how i wish this expression could be sincere said in the form of letters such as this.


I know it is difficult for you, as it is for me, to be separated for so long. Life seems to be full of trials of this type which test our inner strength, and more importantly, our devotion and love for one another. After all, it is said that "True Love" is boundless and immeasurable and overcomes all forms of adversity. In truth, if it is genuine, it will grow stronger with each assault upon its existence.

Our love has been assaulted many times, and I am convinced that it is true because the longer I am away from you, the greater is my yearning to be with you again. You are my Charming Prince, and I am your devoted Princess. I cherish any thought of you, prize any memory of you that rises from the depths of my mind, and live for the day when our physical separation will no longer be.

If there is still hope and moment to be arrives, I wish u would receive across the miles, my tender love, my warm embrace, and my most passionate kiss. I just love you because I do. I can't change it. Its not my choice. I wish I didn't, but that's how love is. I can't say a word about you. I have to forget about you. I wish you didn't make it so difficult for both.

There are many things I need tell you, but I can't find the way. I can't find you. Your way of looking life is different from mine. I can't change it. Its not my choice. I wish I didn't love you. I can't forget about you. I just wish it could all work out like it once happened.

<3 <3 <3

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Terakwih Tears.....

Alhamdulillah Ramadan comes again....it is the most holy month of year for Islam. Time for us, muslim to show their love to Allah through personal sacrifice and self discipline. I feel even blssed and grateful in celebrating this ramadan. I know something is holding me, but i believes is the time i should focus in devoding myself towards Allah. I wanna feel peace and fix all the remedies that happen to be in me. I know Ramadhan is the perfect time..i can feel the different than other days...

I was so excited to go for my 1st terakwih. I know that mama ususally will go with me. But this time around not even mama, guess what, my sister in law alson now walked together to the mosque stated behing our house. There we go one big happy family. To my surprise, everyone in my family somehow i can feel are so earger in welcoming this Ramadan. We actually have chemistry running round amongst us. Guess what? The whole family actually went for 'solat terakwih'..for instants it was wayyy tooooo loooong for my sister to actually go to mosque for solat terakwih. She always do that at home by herself. Only me and mom used to went to the mosque together.

As i stand besides my mom, there was a lady besides my mom who happen to be my mom's friend. I heard their conversation while i'm quitely sat down besides my mom watching the whole evironment. My mom's friend asked with whom does my mom came with? and my mom answered proudly with 'my daughter' as she pointed her finger to me. I straight away smile nad shake hands with that aunty. Then i heard she said something like this...

' Alhamdulillah...you actually came and brought along your daugther.How grateful you are..Your daughter seems sincere to follow you.' and then she smile at me..........geee...smilling*

As i'm smiling the tears in my eyes started to poured out. But i'm kind of hide it. I just dont like my mom sees me cying like a lil kid anymore. I believes that my mom knows that i'm strong enuff to stand on my own now. Crying for me is just another sign to show that we are weak...that is why i'll try not to cry in front of people ...So that we were praying solat terakwih together. As i was doing my praying my heart feels like i'm facing such a peaceful moment..and suddenly there was a drop of tears pouring slowly on my cheek. As i was reading the mother of all Surah, i can see the images of a person that i truely missed all this while...the person that i always look up for..the love that i always wanted..its the images of my late dad :( while at that time i was standing besides a women that are strong enuff to take his place and brought up such a wonder family in her own hands...she in my mom!! T_T God, there are nothing much i could ask...i still and always pray seeking for Your Bless in giving my mom a good health and happiness... If she's happy i'm more than happier......Through out terakwih i cried....cry cos of how thankful i am and blessed for what Allah created for me...I have such a wonderful mom indeed........

Selamat Menyambut Ramadan..and have a pleasant one this very year to me, family and friends ^_^ InsyAllah....

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Jiwa kosong (empty soul)

Where should I begin? I've been looking for what I want in life till I figure out myself that I isn't very sure? Generally I want a happy life..but what leads to a happy life and what do have beyond it? I almost give up in finding the answer because the more I search for the answers the more I'll get confused and end up trapped in within all circumstances! To think back about my family, I'm so lucky to raise up in such a wonderful family...I'm so close to each and everyone of them. Its just that somehow...I mean lately life get lil rough and empty and certain point where I tend to feel there's a big empty hole in mylife. All of my family members, everyone have their own life to concentrate with...even me has my own freaking life. We all tend to loose the sense of closeness and attached in ourselves:( I don't blame anybody for what going on maybe its just me who I think as I grow up I become more sensitive in a sense of love,care and value of family & relationship.

Career wise I can say I'm so proud of myself to survive on my own in this so called cruel world. Everyday I'll make sure there's productivity in me...and I can see in a long run there's fortune waiting for me. If I can sustain what I'm doing rite now insyAllah it will shorten the route of my success and to a greater life that I've been dream of. I believes it will be easy if we isn't work by our own...isn't it? But well...what I've planned somehow doesn't seems to happen:( still I strongly get up and make every single things possible for me...even thou deep inside me always crashed n cry! T_T...only God knows what I'd been through. I always make myself think wisely and make sure I never ever complain what come across me. I might get this kind of life but maybe other even worst. So, I always appreciate what ever things that God had created for me. He loves me and that's why He send all the obstacles into mylife so I'll become more stronger and get the meaning of true human being.



What i want to express here is that i can earn lots of money by working on something that i'm good at and lives happily. We can search for money as much as we want and spent it like the whole world been made for us to enjoy the wealthiness! Travel with friends is a must for me as i love to discover different part of the world. I've been circle with a bunch of friends who is smart, generous, caring and adventurous. All of my qualities happen to be in my friends and that is why we all are really click and attached to each other in some ways. But something trigger me.......



what if.. its time for they to settle down?

am i gonna leave my life alone knowing that all this while i'm depending on family n friends?




Now let me stop all uncertainty that runs in my mind. Focus what my life is all about...knowing that there's no one yet to be specifically in my lonely heart. I've tried to serve and hold on to the love that been in me for quite sometimes but in the end I just realized that how much I believes there are love between me and the guy it just there and then...Unfortunately i always met a FULLSTOP. Aren't relationship not supposed to supposed to meet fullstop??i wonder*How much I cried I won't be able to get him back to me. For that I accept what kind of path God created for me..even thou its sickening but I always look at the bright side even its clear enuff said that there aren't any lights for me to be in a long relationship with someone! As for now...I sadly pronounce that I'm officially has an empty soul..... Success without 'LOVE' in our heart feel like we lives in a lonely world......

Monday, August 2, 2010

A Birthday Vacation


A vacation! With the planned all set up for about 2 months back..all done, I'm going to do something unusual, I'm taking a birthday vacation! So here we go!! I left on Thursday, July 29th, and back on July 31st . It's *conceivable* that its gonna be such a wonderful vacation as i’m going with 3 of my besties(all girls) plus there will be at least 9 out of 10 crazy plans awaits us. Therefore i would like to pronounce here that i’m almost went crazy whenever hang round with my besties. I thought i wanna update every single things that we did thru a web browser as we all are using BB and iphone, but don't count on it. This is our chance to get away. I never know what that means, every time it's different. My main objectives for this period are to have my very own moment enjoying my 3 perfect days with bunch of psychos & most beautifool ladies;) Do a lot of water sports since our friend, Sikin was very excited texting everybody saying that she just bought her new underwater camera absolutely for this Langkawi trip!

Our underwater production!whee....hehe








Guess what, our friend, Shara was so lucky to won a lucky draw and get her own canon compact camera a week before the trip. Everybody have their own compact camera for now...and..i don’t wanna miss a thing so i did bought a gift for myself 2 days before the trip. Its sounds typical for some people but yeah..its just a thing i think i really wanna have it for myself. A 2nd big present i bought for myself. Other things that we had planned is to lay back and do some talking non-serious stuff, partying(enjoy live bands) and visit(island hoping) with friends. Everyone else seems to enjoy every moment and i LOVE to see those sparkling smile in their face which make me happy to know that what I’ve been through couples of weeks ago make my life went up and down. Deep inside me, I know i’ll end my July with such an interesting and wonderful birthday celebration.

For that i would love to express my appreciation to my besties, Shara, Sikin and Leen to plan a trip to Langkawi. Even though u all knows how much Langkawi means to me personally...hehe. It isn't often that I say this, but I wanted to thank you for being such a good friend. You are always around when I need you, always willing to listen when I need to talk, and always ready to organise something fun when I need a break. You are one of the most important people in my life, and when I count my blessings I always think of you. I don't think I could have gotten through the last few years without you. Through the break-ups and career changes and how i actually move on and you all were always around to lend a hand and tell a joke. I appreciate that more than you know. I did my part and promised to baked u all brownies..and its happen on my special 25th birthday Hope its taste good as our friendship ;)


Now let us prepare our mind to be back to our REALITY LIFE and nganjing2 rakan2 through all the pictures taken ya;) haha. Love u! And roger if u wanna chill or...we just have to take a break for fews days from each other perhaps...i donno...hehe...3 days spend time with u ols was the BOMB!

I’ll get all pictures upload soonest...promise :0)