Tuesday, May 24, 2011

motherly egOis

Someday i'm thinking... I can’t either.

As i look at my sister, someday, the crushing weight of my being a mother sits on me like sleep paralysis, waiting for me to move, almost daring me to. It wags it’s finger in my face, telling me I’m a bad mother, an ungrateful mother, because I cannot keep up with my own children sometimes, because I pretend when my husband and I are out alone that we ARE alone, that no one waits for us at home, ready to cover us in wet kisses and sticky fingers.

It’s the responsibility that gets to me-the knowledge that forever, I am connected to these creatures-I can never leave them, not truly. They will always be a part of me. Their toes will forever be the toes that kicked me in the ribs.

But somedays it’s the drudgery, it’s getting up and feeding them, convincing clothes onto them, sitting with them, then working all day, arriving home in time to listen to them scream about not wanting to go to bed. Those days get to me. Those days test me, because they test my love for them, they test the bounds of my patience and temper. On those days, the bad mommy sometimes gets to come out and play for a bit.

I have been tempted in the past, to throw up my hands, and walk away from it. From all of it. Times when it’s gotten so hard, too hard, worse than I ever imagined, I wanted to walk down the road, climb up onto the highway, and begone. Never to be seen again. I thought it, many times.

But in my eyes, in my heart, I couldn’t do it, I never would. I could never walk out that door and not come back. Because being a mother isnot just a test-it’s a battle. Sometimes it’s lovely and gentle, other days, it’s bloody and loud and frightful. Somedays I don’t like it at all.

But somedays are so fragile and simple, I want to place them under glass so they never disappear. I draw on those days, to get me through the wrong ones.

I can say my sister is a good example. She just scolded me just to protect her lil ones. Even though, the course of wrong doing its absolutely from her lil princess where everyone seems to put much love to her...even myself did. But look at the bigger picture, children wouldn't learn something if her/his mom keep on say yes to everything and blame others for her child fault.

It is hard for to be in my sister shoes right now. She is a good daughter, a great sister and the only example for me to adapt into a women's world as she is my only sister but...for me she's not yet close to a perfect mother. She being too protective over her daughter that sometimes tend to ignore people feelings. I mean..for God sake, look at the bright side my dear sister...its ok to let your children falls at once for them to know how to climb and reach for what they want. Falling is the step to make us a strong person. Its is good if we expose our kids with this kind of education/experience cos they will be such a fast learner in the days to come.

Sister, you are totally different from me even though we came from a same mother and father. Let yourself loose a lil bit and surely everything will be just fine. I know, everybody will go through faces in life...its a matter of how we go through it and how we cherish every moment. And for real, i couldn't even wait for my time to become like what you have rite now......a family with husband and children of your own.....

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