S.L.e.E.P

Lately im having such sleeping disorder :( well..had that once last time back in my study years...and when i jump into career world guess i pretty fine. work load is just another thing i gotta co-op with ...so no biggie bout that. and of course few days i've been working late nite. I dont know why our of sudden ideas comes a lot at nite and i gotta stay doing my kinda proposal for my big client such as MOHE, MOE and of course the new one MITC. And the dateline is soOOoOo soon obviously! being in media and servicing line i can say all we need is SPEED. and thats kinda values which i guess mainly all my clients looking at!~

Seriously, half of my brain is consume wt work load and ideas, another half cramp with problems and lil bit of plans here and there. I seldom getting weird dreams and not even a good ones. Cos maybe my mind is always functional with high-speed while im awake and when i sleep..its like totally shut down. Unless there is certain things i didn't let it go and it stay on my mind for pretty long time..that's the course of me having sleeping disorder. And somehow it os true that brain and heart i just 2 organs that really connected to one another. It really does...i mean i experienced almost every time and worst thing is i Experienced the impact of terlalu makan hati and always keep the problem beneath my heart and end up having virus in my brain. oh~ poor thang. Sumpah...i'm scared when ever thinking of it and ya......i think it slightly going to happen.

hmmm..this is my story in a really bz week. And its all about work and mixed up feelings somehow i couldn't remember which part of my brain is actually handling the action that i take. I know that we have a segment in out brain which actually do certain things without ourselves construct to do so. I think the part called sereberum~ my doctor said bout that part  but for sure i know my doctor said that amazingly i can actually control that kinda part which somehow pressure my brain a lil bit too much. *Pelik* klo dalam tido pon i always thinking im actually working on something...and this is totally not good!

and it just happen~ dah la kurang tido for few days..day time i've been presenting and do consultation on my kinda proposal to my clients on a very strategic media demand. Hell yeah...its a really tough things to handle while u were like half sober. feels like my body is awake but my mind is half sleep. And today i SUCKS BIG TIME! gosh~ i never said to myself ..but ...i really am...just for today. OK...here is the deal i did with my panel media events. My client briefed me on their event gimmick and such..and i'm the one who actaully need to come out on ideas gimmick suit with their event which gonna attend by PM and some other high profile people...bla bla bla...


it was plan last week to meet up by 2day and present the whole freaking ideas. Been texting and email with my panel over the weekend just to notify on latest updates. here come the cliche part....to my surprise i got a fon called from my panel said he wanna meet me proposal 2moro and bley tanya bile nk present to client?? i'm like whattt?? its freaking me out at that particular moment. and i know i can handle this...i said to him..it supposed to be another 1hour time....i'm here edy in putrajaya..i gotta settle my things 1st with MOHE stuffs then i will me the media panel and present it together. and i asked him that he doesn't read email ke??or my sms? and all he replied i didn't stated that today is the DATELINE!!

WHATTT??? to my surprised.....i check back all messages and email...and there is non that i tot i send it to the panel. and i'm stunt! Ya Allah....Astagfirullallahalzim...whats going on here?? oh God~ serious..i dont understand...i'm not talking about a day nyer text here...i'm talking about over the weekend things that i tot i did and send out to him. Nausubillah~ mmg x der lansung..and i dont really understand how can it possibly be. and i stopped my car.........nothing on my mind....nervous....panic....Stunt....buntu!

and so i prayed for a short while....open my eyes i look at my watch..anothe 30mins to meet the Pengarah~ all i know is....i sucks BIG tIME! i'm dead! i calm myself down....listen to a balinese songs on my iPod~ phewww....that particular moment i dont even look back what i search and think is the solution. Should i just meet my client and face it or create excuses?? for the 1st time in my life aku buntu.....

then on my way back i called my personal doctor.... i cry to her teelling i dont understand...and all she said is..

'my dear, u been pushing it to the limits of any human can do...less trouble yaself. remember i said to you, working hard doesn't give u eternal happiness. You hv smart mind and good heart...please do take care of yourself. your mom and siblings really loves u..u know...'..

aww Doctor~ i feel like really need a big hug to calm me down. and tears started falling down my cheek~ automatically the images and memories comes on my mind...the hard time i gotta bangkit blk and face the world...i have to wake up my mind after 3 weeks of sleeping......Ya Allah....penat nyer~ in every of my pray i will always pray to protect the 2 powerful organ in me...and for me to be strong.

Hati yg tak tenteram

Laa ilahailolohu wahdahu la syarikalah, lahul mulku walahul hamdu wahuwa alaa kulli syai in qodir~

This is the doa i always lafazkan di saat i have lots of confusion inside me, doa aku untuk dibukakan pintu rezeki, hajat yang di pinta...well actually this doa is so powerful sometimes when i recite it somehow really can disburse a lil tears in my eyes T_T...i mean at this particular moment. I felt sumthing so uncertain that create such a sad emotion running thro me. adoii....pening plak bile pk kan blk. 

i always trapped between 2 different world. SubahannAllah~ jika inilah ujian yg turunkan buat aku, aku terima seadanya selagi masih boleh berfikir wisely, and with full respect and guidance ..insyAllah i will face it as it is. I should not stated the story here as i isnt really sure on its truthfulness. and so i remain silent....let the Almighty settle on behalf of me as i know i'm just an ordinary people who seek for more guidance and forgiveness. May Allah will protect me, my family and my love ones from being betray in this world and in the world after. InsyAllah....

this is what i'm thinking...

People say that I'm soOooOo POSITIVE and sumtimes its really hard for them to just talk to me. hehe.. Sumpah is someone told me sumthing not really good for me to hear..i somehow can feel the negative vibes circulate round me out of sudden. and that kinda energy will interrupt my own systems of my believing~  that really makes me choose who i want to chill with...  One had asked me on how i actually stay positive at all time?? i mean they saw that lil something is totally not a good thing to settle with..but as usual im always thinking the other way round. hmm.. Positive Minded Button automatically switch on!

ok..let me rephrase back...its all start with ourself. If we doesn't think negative about people..it will automatically reflect to our self. Ntah la..maybe b3fore this i've closed minded those days la...but as we develop ourselves.. upgrade our life..experience things...we should adapt it and analyst in order for us to get the whole picture and message of it. Maybe i'm a lil bit of a thinker in certain point...of course you too can be one~ well at least practice it. insyAllah u will slightly feel the different from time to time...and the best thing is it will somehow effect ya lifestyle to become more better and better. thats just awesome!

And i always remember the said from my elderly,  less thinking and judge people as ourselves is also not as perfect as God. And in every of my pray, i will pray to just killed the negative feelings that runs thro me...i know human aren't perfect not to make mistakes..it is good if we actually pasang niat and at least God knows about it :)

This is a lil something to share and for you to think about those words which give us meaningful reasons for us to understand~ Well said! Human..yes, go on and keep on judging..me aint no power to stop you unless yaself.. ;) 

Pls.. sprat the positives vibes round u and in return may Allah grant u with more loves and happiness in life..InsyAllah  >:) 

Just a GF??

JUST A GF????... i cant stand it when people say, "you're Just a GF ?"! Yes, I am a GF as in for now (well at least a DAMN good one in becoming a real WIFE/MOM or whatever more official i supposed)! That really ring my bell to get to use on being LOYAL, RESPECT, TRUST, RESPONSIBLE, INDEPENDENT, PERSONAL ASSISTANT and i definitely in my situation rite now i will scare away the boogie man who trying to come and steal my respectful and trusted heart. I dont get paid holidays, sick pay or days off in loving someone and at the same time working my ass out for a better life/future. I don't even remember when is the last time i just sitting round without doing nothing. As far as im concern, i'm always on the moves and create sumthing interesting out of my simple life regardless being wt my Guy or not. Thats just me BEING A GF!! I may not be anything to you, but I am everything to someone!! eat that~ And pls rather than u do much of ya kinda talks why just u focus wt ya own life. My ears not a place to hear such rumors. and u know it hurts me!! it really does..DAMN! Dear God, wish for more peaceful heart and soul. Ameen.

this is hilarious...

U know what...i've been in front of my lappy for an hour just to find delete button on my FB page..till now i couldn't find it! i guess its about time to delete my previous photos. Last nite i saw the whole picture of my life back then...and today i've a strong guts and will to just delete it all. i know some part of memories are still there in my mind but heall yeah..atleast people, family and love ones doesn't know it more that i like it~

hmm....i private FB albums and even my profile album cos i couldn't find the delete button to each photo :( i'm done and to look back to what i went thro its just awesome and i can say i done enuff. Well, to be truth.....i've distance myself for quite sometimes with people that used to be really close to me. Not that i dont wanna hang out and be friends wt them anymore..its just myself feel uncomfortable and to be frank i'm scared. I'm scare of lots of things...i've seen worst things, dark life and experience hippie life wt no boundaries before. MasyAllah... i'm scare to these days. I know somewhere and someone its yet to come and safe me from these confusion and coldness~ Meanwhile i never ever stop in finding the 'Nur' and learning and seeking guidance in lots of things...

Those pretty faces and friendly person last nite somehow remind me of the other me that i used to be. Ya Allah~ life pretty hard when i'm actually trying my best to rephrase my life back with sumthing good. I did shared my own personal kinda values on my talk to this one event which i think my words and tots had touched the audiences heart. Its feels so amazing when i saw those eyes dropped a lil tears...they felt what i'm trying to deliver. Alhamdulillah~ I believes every people sees life in their own perspectives. but its about how we appreciate it its the most important things.

The most thing that really touched my heart was when i actually joined these kinda hippie groupies...they are all seems to the same :( i'm sad ...i'm reluctant to just see them ..gosh! SubahannAllah~ came this one guy...we talked before...he know me back then..and impressed to see me once again in totally different appearance and personality. And so we talked.....he still with his kinda life. I did lil chat here and there with those people on that events...this is my 1st catch up wt them after several of invitations. I'm glad to see them and as i turn and say good bye..deep in my heart i pray....May one day u all see what i see and feel the real things is not about what u searching in this world,,but in the other world~ May Allah grant such happiness to u all...insyAllah... ;(

show off!~

there definitely a MAIN reason i went to the gym..i mean i hire my own trainer. well, the purpose is to just making me even Fit. I'm a healthy kind of person..all this while i went to gym just to attend classes like Hot Yoga, dance class and kick boxing. Those are just for fun cos its just me that couldn't let go those beats and myself starts to pump together wt the beat~  *dancing*

But i guess, i'm done with all that...i know once a dancer it will always be a dancer. It is ok for me to enjoy music and hv this lil imagination in doing superb steps and dance according to the beat in my kinda mind~ ahaks! well..cukup je la till hv that pictures in mind...i enjoy it :)

Rite now i spend most of my time 3 times a week...(gotta be consistent) saje je nk discipline myself with healthy activity besides working 24 hours kan~ Really it change me here and there. Very energetic and sustain my energy till end of each day. 3 times a day going to the same gym ..of course ada yg mengenali. Well it because im the one who always wt hooded while work out...its a kind of trendy muslimah yg nk workout but dont wanna wear tudung biasa kan...hehe.

hee...this is how im going to the gym...same style diff color. well..used to wear those outfit when i was a r&b and hiphop dancer yaww~ lol

So this morning i went to the Gym. To day training kinda hard cos more into my tight ..so full concentration. Adalah sorank hamba Allah ni...serious i dont even noticed him at all..till my trainer G ni starts to gossip about the Guy badan ketul2 tu. Then i'd a quick glance at him..he was sungguh2 ni tumbuk2 punching bag and he cam saje je makin nk tunjuk2 he punch kuat2. Then i told G that how come dia punch kuat gile kot...x sakit ke tgn dia...cos the other day i tried serius cam nk patah kot my hand.lol..

G then biasa la this shemale buat muke tersipu2 malu dia..*nyampah* and he pronounced.." u x pasan ke nok...he tried to impress u taw~ bkn ape...pls pls...tak moh pandang dia skang..nnt pasan plak dia...that dude dok usha u dr ari tu~"  ..and then i laugh like heLL.hahahahaha....Zaman bile plak nk impress girl guna body and punching kuat2... serius i told G..."geli nyerrrr kening dgr gossip u tu!!" LoL. then G was like..dah2 tak yah nk buat muke budget hello kitty ko tu~ hahaha... Then G asked me, whether i go for that type of guy ke?? hamboiii....~ kan main lg dia ni...nk kais2 my personal story plak..i cut it short..No. I come here to train under u klo nk gossip pon nnt2 lew...kite x sampai lg our mission ni..else i report kat manager u! muahahhaa...then G seems x puas ati dia told me that dude were asking him bout me...i gave him a "mind ya own business" kinda look. lol. and he went like..nyampah lew ckp ngan ko ni...lalalalala...*nasib la* ..its just me yg mmg susah nk di handle.kuang3.

mind wondering..heart singing...soul searching~

O! How thy worth with manners may I sing,

When thou art all better part of me?

What can mine own praise to mine ownself bring?

And what is’t but mine own when i praise thee?

Even for this, let us divided live,

And our dear love lose name of single one

That due to thee which thou desev’st alone

O absence! What a torment wouldst thou prove,

Were it thy sour leisure gave sweet leave,

To entertain the time with thoughts of love,

Which time and the thoughts so sweetly doth deceive,

And that thou teachest how to make one twain,

By praising him here doth hence remain

- Shakespeare

this is just for sharing tots and wanna let my mind speak on its own~ Personally, we see and experience things in our life. Happy, sad, enjoyment..work, family, relationship and such moments~ All bring to a very memorable things to oneself. the part i'm about to discover is between 2 souls and 2 hearts that practically trying them self to merge in becoming one. 

In life, everything i can literally say is hard regardless if we trying very hard in making certain things happen as we wanted. basically it will measure on our strength and patient in getting to our destiny. I always wondering and actually been facing it ..i mean everybody does. One said that the toughest things in man kind is to connect 2 souls become one. Pretty much by saying is easy...but as we in that situation, i can say its hard. this part i never ever discover yet. I know it will comes to each and every single people in relationship. No matter how long u were with ya other half, there will always have miss-communication, misunderstanding and  uncertainty. Yeah..this part I'm talking about...to urge to create full force towards making the gentleman understand women's world and for women to understand men's world. I know at certain point, me couldn't understand...and women always do is to ask themselves once again, " Are we(the relationship) heading the same direction...our other half is thinking the same thing as me?" 

well...as did some reading about men and women's world and so forth...seriously, there's no specific answer to it. Its always reflect to oneself..I mean i couldn't even have my bf's mind and so did him. But the part of understanding oneself is a key to develop a healthy respectful relationship. I think the more we trying to understand is the more we actually mess up! ........ Not to say i just let it be....i'm more into welcome a good and deepest communication among our self.

I'm a believer as i'm believes in what ever i do regardless on my works, family and relationship..its always back to the Almighty. For me, to get 2 souls become one its pretty hard. People who married for years also still juggling in understanding their partner emotions and feelings. I'm amazed with one of my mom quote saying...

" Although sometime Mama and Abah quarrel because of something small, but at the end between us we always have this feeling to Tolerate ...usually Mama la yg Tolerate pon.. but Abah a true gentleman for me cos he welcome what i want to say. Its good to just let it out to your husband ...make it your husband like your best friend..InsyAllah lagi diberkati" 

Seriously when Mama told me that, somehow it makes the lil confusion inside my tiny heart comes to an answer...No matter how ages its gonna take for us to understand each other, we need to know that we are heading a same direction. Minded and heart will come into picture when our soul automatically connected by its own...Believes it will happen and it will. InsyAllah ~ Basically, is going to be an amazing ride to one couple nway in discovering each other flaws and fun from time to time, isnt it? :) 

"Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given one more (strength) than the other and because they support them from their means. Therefore, the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard" (Ali Imran:34-36).

Just an accidentally thought -the end