confession pt 1

Bismillahirahmanirahim.....

I dont how should i begin this...crying? i did....thinking?..i always do.....maybe its time for me to berserah! after all its Him that i believes in. Kalaulah hati aku ni bley berkata2..dah lama dia tengking2 kat aku ni. Tp aku masih paksa ia bersabar. Sampai satu tahap, aku sendri dh tak tau dh nak buat pe. Slama ni aku tegar and cekal kan hati kalau pon diri aku ni di tomah, di perkecilkan and the worst is it came from someone that close to me. Setiap balas kata2 aku smua nyer salah..padahal niat aku tu ikhlas mau membantu and bagi solution terbaik la konon bisa buat dia happy. tp...lain plak jd nyer. slaloo solutions2 aku ni yg menarik but when it comes to him je.. aku rasa benda yg cam colorful turn to black, yg madu tu jd bisa...hmmmm. Ape aku tersilap kata ke? cara aku berbahas dgn dia salah ke? attitude aku melampaui batas? aku tak respect dia? byk sgt la persoalan yang aku nk tau jawapan dia...tp...sape je yg bley tolong kecuali dia sendri yg bley communicate dgn aku bg aku phm benda ape yg dia maksudkan tu. bagi dia, kalu bercommunicate ngan aku tu platform untuk bergadoh? cam tu sampai bile la i wouldn't learn...and so did him. Tegur menegur yg salah and baik tu kan asam garam dlm persahabatan mahupun relationship.hmm... Puas aku cari jawapan, sampai at one time aku rasa aku patut btulkan diri aku dulu and......i did. Tp dia sendri ckp yang dari dulu lagi communication between me and him x pernah btul. Tuhan je tau cam ne hati aku rasa time tu....cam dipanah petir. Air mata dah bergenang but kena tahan sbb infront of me standing org yg aku sayang who is my family members...and aku x nak tunjuk dia yg dlm hati aku tengah sedey sgt. kite ada je masa untuk bertemu and make things better. tp saat tu non of us leverage whats lack between us. Bg aku..aku slaloo letakkan diri aku pada tahap selesa and bersyukur je la ape yg ada....kalau kelat suasana tu, aku telan...kalau manis aku tambah lagi manis. Its how i appreciate life as a whole.

Bile aku start pk blk sedalam-dalamnya, aku rasa org yang aku bersama skang ni tak sehappy like before. Ape aku ni datang dalam hidup dia sbb nk menyusahkan dia ke? Klo itu yang dia rasa, astagfirullahazim, aku dgn rela hati boley berundur. walaupon its a lil bit painful, well atleast i dont hold people that isn't satisfied wt me at all..nak2 org tu org yg kite sayang and always think of. Maybe ni jalan aku yang dah tertulis and perkenalan kite sampai tahap ni...wallahuallam~ Jujur aku ckp, kalau aku tu dh concern pasal org tu, every angle of his life i take note. Nampak je aku ni cam ting tong2....tp buat pe nk tunjukkan sgt kan. let it be around ourself and love to keep it exclusively to myself. Biarlah aku ilang kawan when the time aku tau ape aku nak and to be focus wt. Aku sanggup la berahsia demi nk menjaga hati dia but in the end my heart feels hurt. Nak cakap dunia aku berbeza ngan dunia dia x der la sgt...and aku bukan jenis org yg suka membeza2kan arr....aku more tu yg lebih menerima je. maybe tu cara aku sendri belajar mengenai kehidupan. After all, i welcome mistakes in my life cos mistakes somehow will grow us up.

Aku lihat life kwn2 aku senang je...beramah mesra with their other half..feels good with each other and most of all cara dorank bercommunicate. They speak in a same rhythm and lives in same melody. How i wish it to be upon myself. Sometimes i feel it, but slaloo nyer i rasa benda tu sorank2...sbb on the other part dia tak rasa ape aku rasa. meaning aku ni tepuk sebelah tangan ke? Tiap-tiap sujud aku aku berdoa agar dipermudahkan segala hal dalam hidup aku ini...nak2 dipermudahkan la jodoh aku supaya ia kekal ke akhir zaman. Doa and hajat x kan menjadi klo kite sendri x ada usaha..thats what mama told me. basically, its all need a wise person to start roll the ball and 1 follow. If one keep hiding how could the other person follow...end up the other person got stuck in confusion. Ntah la...even thou i sounded like i give up on things but seriously, how could i give up on thing which i started years ago?? i know myself very well, i wont give up easily, in fact i'm the one who always seek for solutions, benda yg x boley pon i'll try to make it boley. But at one point, when i see more likely the 'sign' from God, thats when i give up everything and i believes there will always be a better plan for me. InsyAllah~

phewww~ pray nothing but for me and him to have all bless in our life.....aish~ pada saat aku runsing pon aku masih ada ruang tu pk pasal dia....sian dia....~